The majority of arguments in a marriage or any relationship- partner, colleague, friends, family- always break down to the same themes. You virtually have the same argument over and over again. The best way to approach this is to truly get to the root cause of these arguments, to be prepared to recognize when they rear their ugly head, and collaboratively agree to not dwell in old arguments. Or, some junk like that. Let's face it. The reason we continue to have the same arguments over time boils down to us either being really stupid or really getting some great perverse payoff from it. So, are you stupid or sick and twisted?
There are two significant issues in my marriage. One is The Great Debate and the other is To Load or Not to Load.
The Great Debate
My husband and I first went grocery shopping before we were married when we first- ahem- starting sharing the rent. These were the good old days during which I would pay all of the bills and then present him with a monthly bill, itemizing all expenses, and splitting them in half. He would then write a check to cover his. All was right in the world.
During our first major shopping trip, we decided to divide and conquer. Maybe I had ketchup and toilet paper on my list. Maybe he had chicken and bread on his. It really doesn't matter. What does matter is that he had Oreos written on his. Yum. Oreos. This was before you could get them in every color and flavor. This was when there were just normal Oreos and, when you were feeling luxurious, Double Stuffed. Oreos were a treat for me. I didn't always get them and they weren't always in my budget. This was before I was buying shoes and Oreos were a luxury item.
We met up in the middle of the store with our items and checked them off of the list as we sorted them before going to the cashier. And that's when I knew we were in trouble. Or Doomed. He did not get Oreos. He got...Hydrox. Yes, Hydrox. And, if you, Fair Friend (or Stranger) of Mine do NOT see the difference, stop reading now. I invite you to set up a blind taste test and then come back to this blog.
Anyway...I think I smiled, or giggled, or something "Aren't-we-cute-we are shopping for the first time together" related. We then had a blow out fight to which end my husband thinks he is still right...15 years later. He INSISTED that they were the same thing and I insisted he was nuts as well as sleeping on the couch. This isn't a case of my being a pretty, petty princess. I like Oreos. I do not like Hydrox. You can insist all you want that I do or could but when I know something deep in my bones like nor liking Oreos or not being ready to be someone's mom, do not force your values on me in the guise of compromise.
Hydrox have never set foot in our home.
To Load or Not to Load?
I did not grow up with air conditioning or a dishwasher. When I was first exposed to both at a family member's house, I thought they were the coolest things (aside from that magical card that you put in a machine, push numbers, and money came out!). When my first apartment came with both, I was excited. I've done chores and cleaned house forever. I know how to do it. Been there, done that, washed the T-shirt. I do laundry, iron, clean a bathroom like nobody's business. I know some people like to fold towels one way and others like to clean counters first or floors last. Some like to load dishes before they eat, others like to savor the meal they spent hours preparing and then clean. It's all good. As long as it gets done.
The dishwasher did not become an issue until recently. Truly. I do not recall the exact moment because it must have been happening all along...I would go to put something in the dishwasher to realize it had been reloaded. Meaning, someone moved around everything I put in it. My first reaction was paranoia like a Lifetime movie. Then, realizing my cats did not have opposable thumbs, I knew it was Him. Whatever. Until it came up in conversation and He told me I load the dishwasher wrong.
His Theory: Load back to front, bowls up so it "really gets in there."
My Theory: Get them in there. And, bowls down cause it'll still get in there and not pool.
Seriously? Move on. I barely have enough energy to load the dishwasher. Be appreciative that I do it. If you have the energy to redo something someone has already spent time doing, more power to you. Just do it yourself from the Get Go. The more I am coached to do it "this way" makes me want to do it "the other way" or, no way at all. I'm happy to create a tower of dishes in the sink. Maybe the cats will lick them clean.
Here's the thing. Could I see this as another attempt to impose his values and sense of order on me, forcing me to compromise? Maybe. I guess you have to ask yourself how important it is to be right, to be stubborn, to be stupid enough to fight over dishes, or push the issue to get the perverse sense of pleasure of loading it your way and sneaking it on to be right. In reality, it has no value to me to be right in this case and if it is important to him, then when I have the energy and foresight to think about it, I load back to front. Sometimes, you have to give the other in your relationship- partner, colleague, friends, family- the win, to show them you see their side and value their thinking...no matter how wrong they are.
I'll take the Oreos.
Harmoniously Yours,
Dr. BT
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